Denise: But today I have a grief expert on Nicole Haugen, and we’ve had her on before. And today we’re going to be talking to you if you feel sad. That you feel like you’ve lost your best friend. You feel like something’s changed. You’re feeling a loss, maybe it’s a favorite food that you’ve chosen to not eat anymore ’cause it’s causing chaos in your life. 

And although you don’t wanna eat it, ’cause you don’t want the chaos in your life, you actually feel sadness. I got this idea for this podcast because a woman in our community had mentioned that she’s morning cheese. I thought that is such a real thing, so let’s just talk about it.

But before I bring on Nicole, I want to let you know that right now, in three days, we’ll be starting our next round of 63 surrendered. If you’re ready to get off the diet cycle and off the scale rollercoaster and you’re ready to lose weight in a way that feels natural and gentle, that teaches you how to eat your favorite foods without guilt.

Feel control around food. Feel like you can trust yourself with food and to handle your emotions in a way that draws you closer to the Lord instead of the pantry. Then come to 63 Surrendered. You’ll learn four daily habits. That we practice over and over and over that are necessary for lasting weight loss.

You will learn the secrets to what naturally thin people already know and be created into that woman. so go to weight loss withtheHolyspirit.com and get your spot in 63 surrendered, today. So I wanna bring on Nicole. Welcome, Nicole. 

Nicole: Hi, thank you for having me.

Denise: So that she can really help us understand a little bit about the nuances of grief, what we can do about it, and just help us make sense of this, what feels like a really competing emotion. On one hand, we don’t wanna eat the food, but on the other hand, we really miss it and we kind of want it back. 

So thanks for being here, Nicole. Before we get started. Nicole, can you tell our ladies a little bit about you? 

Nicole: Yes. Well my name is Nicole Haugen. I am a wife. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years. We have six girls, ages 14 down to five. And I am a grief expert for one. I’ve worked in hospice for over 10 years. I’m a nurse and so I’ve worked in that. 

And then in 2019 my dad passed away. He had cancer and he had that for 10 years. So it was more of a long-term slow death process. And then four months after my dad died, my mom died suddenly in a winter storm accident. She missed her turn into her driveway when it was storming, and so her car went out onto the water.

It was submerged. It took them a few days to find her car. When they got the car out, her body wasn’t in the car, so then it took a day or so. Again to find her body. So that was very obviously sudden traumatic, very hard to go through. 

And then a month after that, I found out that there was financial infidelity in my marriage. That my husband had racked up thousands of debt in credit card that I had no knowledge about. So then I was grieving the loss of the marriage. I thought I had. What my life was and the new life that I had. 

And then through that I discovered life coaching and really joined initially to lose weight. And when you’re going through all of that, and then food as your crutch is also taken away, it can be very, very heavy and overwhelming and just a lot. 

Denise: And I think one of the things that I am continuing to learn from you is that grief spans many things. And so I’m gonna have you give us your definition of grief. But before you do that, one of  the other group of people that you offer help to are people who are caretakers. 

You help people who are taking care of someone who is in a terminal illness or is in a slow decline of some sort of illness. And I think that’s just so fascinating ’cause those group of people, caretakers, I don’t know if this is correct, but I’ve heard that 50% of them die before the person they’re taking care of. Is that even true? 

Nicole: I don’t know. I haven’t heard that, I would probably, it’s probably pretty accurate.

Denise: But caretakers just don’t know how to take care of themselves. And so you help them and support them through their caretaking role. I just think that’s so cool. So, and I say all of that you guys, because I want you to hear how experienced Nicole is with grief.

And then we’re gonna talk about grief and food. But because of her experience with grief and. Because of her talent as a life coach, and she’s also gone through the weight loss with the Holy Spirit program. We have recently added Nicole to our coaches, and we are so excited that she is now taking clients.

So if you find that as you’re listening to this, you can really resonate with Nicole and you’re like, that lady can totally help me, then we want you. To email her at [email protected] and she can coach you or you can even just click the link that is in the description and get started with Nicole right away.

Okay, so Nicole, let’s move on to what the heck grief is, especially for the people who are like, you can grieve, not a person. You can grieve an inanimate object talk. Talk to us about all the different kinds of grief. 

Nicole: Yeah, so grief is really just, I say just like a normal response to a major loss. So that can include pretty much anything. It can be, if your child. Is falling away from the church. It can be if somebody died, it can be if you lost a job. 

It can be, if you’re going through a major change and even women as we age and get older, our bodies change so much. That can be a major loss. And so navigating all that and working through that can be a lot. 

Denise: Yeah, as you say that, it reminds me of the women who their children go off to college. And they are just like, totally blindsided by this wave of emotion. Can you tell us how you know it’s grief, and I think you’ve mentioned before that it comes and goes. 

So tell us a little bit more about how, something is grief versus. I don’t know, like just help us make sense of being able to name something as grief. So what would be the symptoms of that, if you will? 

Nicole: Yeah, so I think grief is something where you felt stable, normal, and then you don’t. And so for an example is in my marriage when all this stuff came up, it was like. 

Okay. I thought we had a very normal  marriage and then as I realized, like all the lies that were woven in, every time that I started thinking about that and feeling that and experiencing that and then working through that. When you give it a name and you say, oh, that’s grief. If that resonates with you, you’re like, oh, like that just feels so right. That’s what grief is.

And it can be anything from. Anger, overwhelm, sadness, like really a lot of those kind of mix in together. Anxiety is another one. Like those kind of all mixed in together and  for me especially, was when I gave it a name and a title of like grief that it was like, oh, all of those things line up. That makes so much sense now. It doesn’t feel like I’m just. Off my rocker and I’m crazy like. Oh, it’s grief like that. That makes more sense. Like I’m not crazy. 

Denise: I remember when we talked the last time about grief and you were talking about the stages and there really aren’t linear stages. It’s almost like nuances or different feelings.

And the way that it made sense for me to understand grief was that you could feel this. And then you ping pong over to this feeling and then you ping pong over to that and there are different waves and you just move into one wave and then another wave can come. 

And I remember when you said that grief was just really unpredictable as well. Like you could just out of nowhere get the sense of a strong emotion. 

Nicole: Yeah, and I think sometimes that is one of the hardest things. It is so unpredictable. It would be like if you were standing in the ocean and there was no waves, and all of a sudden you get hit by three different waves. It just comes out so suddenly and it can be triggered by almost anything.

And it can be triggered by a song or I saw Lee one time that looked from behind, like it looked like my mom, that it could be. I went to a cousin’s funeral this weekend. He was a rancher. He had loved John Deere, like my dad did. That was a trigger. It just hits you at different times. 

And then there’s times too where. So for my dad, he went on hospice. It was the Wednesday before Easter, and so the date itself was April 20th. But for me, if those dates don’t line up, but it’s around Holy Week, the Wednesday of Holy Week, like I just start to feel off, your body holds memory at your cellular level. 

And so if the dates don’t necessarily line up, but you feel just off and strange, it’s because something probably happened around that time of year or even the change in seasons can make you feel like change. Reminds you of other change that has happened.

Denise: Yeah. And to bring this into a food analogy, it reminds me of I was just working with a client the other day and she said that one of her triggers and a something that  she wants to work through is the concept of spring, feeling spring and that lightness and ice cream. 

So your point of feeling different seasons or different events or memories being surrounded by food, especially as women who want to lose weight typically have a big portion of their life focused on food.

And I wanna remind everybody that in the weight loss of the Holy Spirit program, whether you’re doing 63 surrender or you’re in our restored program, we never say you have to give up a food.  So when we talk about grief and food, it is because it’s been your choice that the food is actually taking away from your life more than it’s bringing to your life.

When you’re talking about things can remind you of you said, like your mom, you saw someone, but let’s just take this into food things. I have chosen to not have icing in my life anymore. It just felt so chaotic that I’ve chosen, you know what? It’s just, I don’t even wanna deal with it.

Oh and fudge. Icing and fudge where a fudge used to be a huge part of my holidays and my mother-in-law would bring me a whole pound of it. And now I have to look at fudge at parties and just realize I’m choosing not to have that. 

I want to just highlight that if the people listening, the women listening are experiencing weddings or birthday parties or holidays to just recognize that they may be feeling some grief or some sort of other strong emotion. I wanna go back to you saying you’re hit by three waves at once. 

So if you’re standing in the ocean and you’re hit by three waves at once, and let’s just say three emotions at once. We can also add a fourth wave, and that is the judging ourselves. So we’re standing in the middle of the ocean, we’re hit by three waves at once, and then we’re like, we shouldn’t be hit by three waves.

I  want us to start working as a community of women who are trying to follow the Lord that we can start to notice when we’re judging our feelings. As we should or shouldn’t be feeling them and to just recognize we don’t have to judge them, we didn’t ask for them to come, and that we actually are making our lives harder the more we judge them. 

It’s just another layer that we have to work through. So if we can just start to not judge ourselves to just simply recognize, whoa, I was just really hit with a wave of sadness. I was just really hit with a wave of feeling left out. I’m really hit with a wave of feeling deprived or not part of or different.

And to just now lean into those waves. And work through those waves. How can women support themselves when they are overcome by those three waves at once? Or they are overcome by waves of grief? 

Nicole: It is interesting as you talk, right? And I’m picturing this woman standing in the ocean,  getting hit with these waves.

And then you’re right, there’s another wave that comes, I should have seen it coming. I should have been prepared. But. You’re standing in the ocean, of course you’re gonna get hit by waves. Like it is normal. Nothing’s gone wrong. So I think if we allow those feelings and those emotions as just as that, as yeah, I’m standing in the ocean.

I’m standing in the ocean of grief. I’m standing in the ocean of food change, maybe food loss,  food looks different now. Of course there’s gonna be these waves and that’s okay. That’s what I love about this program is to then use the tools to prepare for the waves as much as you can.

Because like you said, when you go to a wedding, or even holidays in grief, you know that there’s still a holiday, but it looks completely different now. When you lose your parents or when you lose your spouse or when you lose a child. So it looks different. The holiday itself is still there, but it’s to navigate what do we want that to look like now and with food.

It is a beautiful thing to work through because it’s like I can choose if I wanna have the fudge or the icing, I can choose that. I don’t have to have that, and my holiday might look even better than I ever could have imagined. 

But part of grief is processing through that gap of letting go of the expectations we had. And what life was like and moving into something else that is different.  I do believe when we lean on the Holy Spirit, when we rely on our Lord, it’s gonna be better than we ever imagined. 

Denise: Yeah, you just hit on so many things there. Let me just go through a couple thoughts that are in my brain. You guys. It’s totally normal that food has been our friend. It has been something  that we have relied on. It has never talked back. It’s always been there. And then there’s a point where we say we don’t wanna live that way anymore.

And it’s just so beautiful because really. Once you realize, I don’t wanna live that way anymore, you recognize that food has probably been replacing the Lord. It’s bringing you comfort in a very disordered way, and we know that. So all we’re trying to do is to reorder our relationship with food, put God as the center of our life, and make food enjoyable and in the way that the Lord intended that. 

Now, once you start on that journey that you’re like, whoa, I don’t wanna keep living the way I was, that’s when you’re going to start to notice the change. That’s when you’re going to start to have experience, the grief. 

I love what you just said. Of course. I’m standing in the ocean. Hey, I’m a woman learning how to reorder my life. I’m a woman learning how to set the food in its proper place. I’m learning to enjoy food and to not feel regret anymore. Of course, this is Christmas. Christmas used to be a food fest, but now Christmas is about joy and finding abundance in other ways. 

I was just coaching a woman on Easter and she was talking about wanting to create Easter Abundance, abundance. Essentially, she was very confused on how to create this abundant feeling without over consuming food.

And so we were working on putting abundant glasses on to where you can see, like looking at all the food and being so excited and thinking about, oh my gosh, my kids are going to love this. This one is their favorite.

And you can. Look and enjoy how beautiful the Easter table is and the grass and the whole spread, and how much love you’ve put into it, and how much enjoyment your children are gonna get out of it, and watching them, and then carefully choosing what you want so that you don’t end up with regret, but you are coming from a place where your heart is totally abundant.

And I just keep talking because I’m recognizing that one of the best tools that I have started to practice is to really lean into giving myself these pep talks. I’m going into Christmas. This is going to be joyful. I might feel that loss. That’s gonna be okay. Nothing has gone wrong. I’m in transition.

And I think there are the pep talks that help pull us into preparing for events or while we’re in an event. But I was hoping that we could also brainstorm some feelings or some really helpful thoughts for women, that while they are experiencing grief. 

I think you said, “of course”. Of course I’m feeling this. Nothing has gone wrong. Yeah, this does feel hard. I’m safe to feel this way. It’s okay to feel this way. Nothing is wrong. This is part of the process. This is part of the healing. This is part of becoming new. Of course, I’m going to feel this. I can support myself through this. 

This is part of letting go of the old, of the outdated. This is part of growth. Yeah. What other things come to your mind as helpful thoughts that women can start to practice? And ladies, as you hear me speak, I want you to just grab onto one of these thoughts that can help you. This is what I want. Okay. What else comes to your brain? 

Nicole: I like to always use some sort of variation of I am learning to love food again. I’m learning that it’s okay. Another one I love is I am safe. Because emotions can feel very unsafe and. It can lead us to, again, leaning on the food because that’s what’s comfort, that’s what’s helped us through a lot of hard times. And so just telling myself I’m safe.

I like to always tell people too,  just the basic, asking yourself, have I had water today? Have I sat down, have I gone to the bathroom? Because a lot of times, especially as caregivers or around the holidays, we’re just so busy running around that we forget our basic needs and we really put everybody else first. Especially in grief, anytime as women, I think we put everybody else first.

And what I’ve been trying to practice is it’s okay to take care of myself. It’s okay to put myself first, in not any way that we’re being greedy or selfish. But just really that it’s okay to put myself first and go to the bathroom. Like I take five minutes, the ham will be fine. The potatoes aren’t, like somebody can wash the potatoes. Like it’s okay. So even it just, it’s okay. It’s okay.

Denise: Yeah. It’s okay. This is not a problem. This is totally fine. I can do this. I’m here. I can make it through this. This is just a feeling. This is just a feeling. 

Nicole: I like too the thought, Can I just, and then put in, X. Okay. Instead of being like, oh  I’m starving, I was preparing this delicious Easter meal. Now I just wanna grab like all the sweets. Can I just drink a glass of water first? Can I just pause and remember like hunger comes and goes. It’ll be okay. Can I just take a 20 minute walk today?

Maybe I’m not gonna get in my whole hour walk like I planned, but can I just do 10 minutes?  Just  bite-size things? Go a long way, especially when you are. In grief or in a busy season of life sometimes it is hard to do your meal plan in the morning and  your reflection at the end of the day and so then we start again, that judgy. Spiral wave. But just saying yeah, I didn’t do that today. Can I just pause for 30 seconds and reflect, at least in my mind? 

Denise: Yeah. That’s so good. Ladies, here’s what I want you to take away from today as Nicole and I wrap up. This is normal. Nothing has gone wrong. It means that you’re growing. This is a good thing. This is a good sign. 

It means that the Lord is rearranging you. He’s doing soul surgery on you, and your old way is oh, it’s falling away. It’s so beautiful. He’s creating new in you. This is a good sign. This is exactly what should be happening. I love that thought. Nothing has gone wrong. Nicole, is there anything that you’d like to share with our ladies as we wrap this up? Any final thoughts? 

Nicole: I think just that things come and go in different seasons and to know that this isn’t gonna last forever and whatever thing you’re going through. And so, I just another reminder like we can do hard things.

Denise: Yeah. This too shall pass. Nicole, I really appreciate you being here. Thank you so much for sharing your expertise. I hope all of you listening can see how different weight loss with the Holy Spirit is than any other weight loss program. 

And if you’re ready to start your journey into this new way of weight loss that has lasting results, that’s finally teaching you all the things that the other programs haven’t. I want you to join us at 63 Surrendered.

Come to weightlosswiththeholyspirit.com. You can start our next group  with hundreds of other Catholic women, May 7th. We begin in just a few days. Go to weightlosswiththeholyspirit.com and get your spot today and get a ticket off the scale rollercoaster.